9 Breastfeeding Positions That Aren’t Taught in Antenatal Class

I never gave much thought to ways in which I would breastfeed.  I just assumed a cradle hold would suffice and I would lovingly look into my baby’s eyes.

Then I had the Toddler.  And realised that breastfeeding was more than just food.  It was comfort when he was sad.  It was reassuring.  It was sleep inducing.  I’ve since found out breast milk is actually a natural pain killer (for the baby).  It is so much more than food.  Something which has been hammered home again now I’m feeding the baby. And feed him I do. ALL the time. He is a boobie monster. So although the cradle hold is nice, the loving looks (which are far fewer second time round when I am trying to stop a toddler dive bombing off the couch) are indescribable.  It is not the only way to breast feed as I have found out.  And, no, I’m not talking about your rugby hold equivilant.  Oh no. There are many more breastfeeding positions out there…..breastfeeding positions which aren’t covered at your local breastfeeding class.

The Stealth Roll Feeding Manoeuvre

Whenever I perform this move I feel like I’m doing the “hug and roll” from Friends.

Simply put its the move where once you’ve fed the baby to sleep lying down and managed to prise your nipple from his mouth you need to get yourself off the bed without him noticing so you can do things without the baby attached, you know, like pee on your own.

The Feed Over the Cot Hold

You did it!  He’s asleep!  You transferred…… Oh wait no he’s awake.  You quickly assume position over the cot*, boob out, nipple in mouth.  It will only be for a few seconds right?  Wrong, as you realise 43 and a half minutes later when you’re still in the same position except now you have horrific cramp.

*really only works if cot is at highest level otherwise you tend to be balanced over the edge with your feet off the floor

The F@#k He Just Bit Me Feeding Position

You are nicely feeding.  Minding your own business when he clamps down on your nipple.  And much like an animal now refuses to open his mouth and release the prize.

Cue jumping out your seat whilst yelping (silently as the toddler is asleep in the next room) and finger hooking his mouth to make him drop the nipple.  Once released though he still needs feeding so ever so gingerly you latch him on the other side whilst attempting to get feeling back in your bruised nipple and watch like a hawk in case he shows signs of doing it again.  I’ve found he won’t until I’m relaxed and unprepared.

Vigilance is key!

The Protect Your Face From the Claws Manoeuvre

Grabbing and squeezing you, uncontrollable little hands flapping everywhere with razor sharp nails of terror that will get you and will draw blood. Easily combatted by holding his hands with a vice like grip gentle yet firm hold, whilst stroking said little fingers….

The only thing worse than being clawed is attempting to cut your mini-ninja in the makings weapon of choice.

The Dodge the Wallop Position

The Baby is performing the helicopter arm dance and you’re bent over backwards trying to avoid flailing fists landing you one on your nose. This one will give you a crick in your neck that you need a physio to fix.

The Try Not to Flash Your Nips Manoeuvre

When feeding in public, however positive the experience, I don’t particularly like flashing my nipples. The Baby has other ideas.

Apologies to anyone in Geant on Monday morning who may have seen more than they bargained for on the cereal aisle as I attempted sling feeding.

The world is an exciting place, who wants to let a little thing like feeding stop the Baby nosing, so he pulls off and looks all around….whilst you are frantically wishing you had 12 hands as you attempt to hold the baby, hide your nipples, grab a muslin and pull your top up all at once. Obviously attracting more attention with your flustered dance.

The “I will feed this blocked duct out” position

Your boobs are tender and you can feel a blocked duct. The Baby is full but you will feed him anyway, and in the all fours boob over mouth position whilst frantically massaging at the same time. You don’t want mastitis again and don’t care how stupid you look. You do care that the Baby isn’t feeding because he’s too busy laughing at you crouched over him.

The Awkward Slipping Down in the Sling Position

Maybe just me but I have not mastered the “gracefully walk around while blissfully feeding” instead I am the awkward half holding the baby half shielding my boob woman stomping around. This position often leads to the the Nip Flasher position….

The All Pile in Cuddle Position

Especially lovely when you have two sleepy small people snuggled in. Less lovely when the reason they are so tired is because they were up through the night then up for the day by 5:30am.

The Sleeping Position

Not necessarily the baby….. more likely you’ve dozed off in your chair utterly exhausted. Be warned though, when your guard is down is when the F@ck He Bit Me position comes into play…..

What are your experiences?

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