Let’s Take Off Our Judgey McJudgey Pants

Let’s Take Off Our Judgey McJudgey Pants

I was wondering what to write this week for my #effitfriday rant, I’ve had a lovely rant free week with my biggest boy turning three.  So I’ve been full of rainbows and sparkles.

Then I heard something that upset me and angered me.  And I guess its true what they say, you never hear anything nice when you are listening into someone else’s conversation, but the toddler was busy with his “baby tuna” and the conversation was fairly loud.  And very judgemental.

Now, OK, maybe I’m being a little bit critical and judgemental myself here but I think I need to stand up for us all against conversations like this.

Woman 1; “well you know, she uses that routine”
Woman 2; “she never does?  I can’t believe it”
Woman 1; “I’m telling you, that’s what she told me.  That poor child.”
Woman 2; “Oh I know.”

Now this poor woman, doing whatever routine she was doing, probably has no idea that people are saying this about her.  Or maybe she does.  And maybe as a result she’s trying to avoid baby groups and coffee mornings, isolating herself to protect herself.  Putting on a brave face.  Her make up like armour.  Defences well and truly up.

And I know that feeling well.

When I first came to Dubai and left the sanctuary of my NCT and antenatal friends, who had stumbled through the first dark days of parenthood with me.  Where we had a 3am email club asking the questions we needed to know the answer to as we sat in the dark feeding.   Those parents I had found my way with, who found their way with me, who didn’t care that one of us followed Gina Ford, that one of us swore by Jo Tantum, one of us had a baby that would not follow any routine we tried (that would be me, the Toddler was stubborn from the start) that one of us preferred to baby wear while another preferred to use the pram.  Now I had to put myself back out there into the judgey world of parenting.  Where people may sneer at my choices.  And not only sneer but decide on my worth as a person as well as a parent from those decisions I, and my husband, make in the knowledge that we think it is best for us and our child.

Put myself out there I did.

Judged I got.

Not quite so blatantly as the conversation I overheard but judged nonetheless.

I wore my make up armour.  I wore my nicest clothes.  I held my head high and came out of the experience with some friends for life, just like the ones I made in the deepest darkest early days of parenthood. 

I am proud of myself for going and working through it.  I’m even prouder that friends I made did the same.  That we all got through the whole of the Judgey McJudgey pants coffee mornings, together.

However, something changed in me when I had my second son.  Not only am I more confident but by blogging I open myself up online, people often know of my parenting and my parenting style before you meet me.

I no longer wear my make up armour unless I can be bothered. My clothes are generally covered in baby sick and Toddler snot. My head is still held high but the big thing now is…. I no longer care if you judge me and I certainly no longer care to judge you on the parenting methods you decide work for you as a family.  Because that’s what it’s all about, what works for us a family might not work for you and yours and vice versa.

judgey

I no longer care if you think I’m creating bad and needy sleeping habits because I tend to bring the baby into bed with me around 5am (or earlier) when he wakes.  I care that everyone gets an extra hours sleep, that the toddler isn’t woken and we can start the day a little more refreshed ready to take on said coffee mornings.

I no longer care if you think I should try to night wean the baby so he sleeps longer.  They’re my boobs.  It’s me getting up.  Why is it your problem?

I no longer care if you think that I should stop carrying my toddler if he asks.  Yes he’s heavy.  Yes I know he is 3 now.  But I love my snuggle time with him and there will come a day when he stops asking and then I won’t be pleased for all the time I’ve missed out on but I’ll cherish the walking cuddles we had.

I no longer care that you think the baby should be on a solid routine.  He’s not.  That’s my problem not yours.  Yes he naps on the go but in part I think that’s second child syndrome, unlike my first I can’t just wait until he wakes to go somewhere or skip it.  Nursery pick up waits for no man.

So to all you Judgey McJudgey pants out there.  I no longer care what you think.  And the reason I no longer care is because I know what I am doing is right for me, right for my husband, right for our boys.  In short, right for our family.  I am doing my best

mother

And maybe we should just think of that and take off our Judgey McJudgey pants, because really if you have nothing nice to say then don’t say anything at all.

And Ms. Judgey McJudgey it’s your loss anyway, because I bet that person you were busy judging is completely awesome, rocking out being a mum in the way that’s best for her family and by standing strong in doing what she’s doing for her family as those around her judge?  Well I’d say that would make her a strong and loyal friend I’d want in my corner, I’d go out for a prosecco play date with her any day of the week.

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30 Comments

  1. October 9, 2015 / 9:57 am

    I think this might be the best blog post title ever! I felt the same way as you with my second baby. I was very confident with how I was doing things so I didn’t really care what others thought. I do find all the competitive parenting a bit tiring but it can still be difficult to take a step back from that and not find yourself competing and judging a little bit too. I try not to though. #EFFITFriday
    morna recently posted…Save our StickeezMy Profile

    • October 12, 2015 / 11:40 am

      haha glad you like it! I think it has taken the second baby (who I am currently attempting to save from wires) to give me that extra confidence and rhino skin!

  2. October 9, 2015 / 10:46 am

    Well said Laura. We all have our different ways of doing things. What works for some just won’t work for others. I was a big Gina Ford fan and would get people thinking I was being too strict on bedtimes, naps, waking her etc – generally thinking I was crazy but you know what – she has always slept like a dream & was a very happy baby. X
    Elizabeth (Wander Mum) recently posted…The Chedi Muscat, OmanMy Profile

    • October 12, 2015 / 11:40 am

      Exactly this – everyone is different. And just because you are a Gina fan and I am a seats of my pants fan that doesn’t mean that we can’t get on and be friends!xx

      PS jealous of dream sleeping babies.

  3. October 9, 2015 / 12:09 pm

    Woohoo yes! I’m so sick of Mummy-Judging ! Get a life – stop worrying what everyone else is doing and just do you. Christ all kids are different, all parents are different – if there was a right way to do things we’d all know it by know x #effitfridays

    • October 12, 2015 / 11:38 am

      And even if you have the same parents the kids are so different you end up using different parenting techniques anyway!!

  4. October 9, 2015 / 12:42 pm

    Awesome post!! I hate people being judgmental! A lot of my posts surround this as as a Mother I have always felt judged, even if someone isn’t actually judging me. As soon as he was handed to me after giving birth I was paranoid that people were looking at me funny. At first I put it down to anxiety that I suffer with and maybe hormones, but then I actually realised that no, people are actually judgmental!! Especially other mums!!
    You should look up The Mommitment! It’s a specific pledge that you can take to say you will never judge another mum. It’s exhilarating! You can find it on Facebook. They have brought me out of myself so much to the point where, like you, I no longer care!
    Louise Rodgers recently posted…Trolls, Who Don’t Know They Are Trolls, So Keep Trolling.My Profile

    • October 12, 2015 / 11:37 am

      Louise – already on it! And I’ve just seen your fab photo in there, gorgeous and so true. People are that judgemental – when the Toddler was a baby he wouldn’t keep his gloves on and would curl his fingers round the foot muff so they used to turn blue. I gave up in the end as nothing I could do would keep the gloves on or them tucked in, but the amount of looks and tuts I got. I used to “shout talk” to him really loudly about why wouldn’t he keep his lovely gloves on….

  5. October 9, 2015 / 2:19 pm

    Love it. As I type I’m in a soft play with all 4 of my children and there are two women next to me asking g each other (not me) why my children aren’t in school and aren’t I an awful mother. My children have a teacher training day today so they asked to come here and then go scooting!

    #effitfriday
    Mummy Fever recently posted…There’s a new superhero in townMy Profile

    • October 12, 2015 / 11:35 am

      See I really don’t understand that at all! But how good is soft play when all the schools are in?!

    • October 12, 2015 / 11:35 am

      Definitely less time….

  6. October 9, 2015 / 4:45 pm

    Well said! As you point out, your parenting choices are yours and no one else has a right to judge. So what if you choose to bring the toddler into your bed rather than have a full scale meltdown! It’s not like your sending him into someone else’s bed, its you that deals with it, so its your choice (and your hubby’s).
    If there was one method that worked perfectly for everyone, of course everyone would use it but there isn’t so everyone has to make choices they feel are right for them.
    Thanks for hosting #effitfriday
    Debbie
    Random Musings recently posted…Play Mobil Pirate Toy. Is It Racist?My Profile

    • October 12, 2015 / 11:35 am

      That’s it Debbie and it applies to everything really. As long as YOUR choices work for YOU and don’t hurt anybody then why should people care?

  7. October 9, 2015 / 5:45 pm

    I love the term judgey mcjudgey pants! I think if we are all honest we have all sat on either side of the judgey fence at some points, and when we have sat on the judgey side, we have then been slapped back in the face with a bit of karma!
    Once you get onto your second child the judginess and unwelcome comments seem to come less and you get a bit more ‘meh’ about anything thats said anyway. #effitfriday
    doctomum recently posted…Doctors: The (Dis)Respected Profession #SaveOurNHS #JuniorContractsMy Profile

    • October 12, 2015 / 11:34 am

      And I have friends on their fourth who say by then you are just glad to make it to the end of every day 😉 jokes aside, you’re right, and karma does come and hit you in the face.

  8. October 9, 2015 / 9:47 pm

    Well said. Its hard not to be judgey sometimes. What should be easier is keeping those thoughts to your damn self.
    jeremy@thirstydaddy recently posted…The Monster StoreMy Profile

    • October 12, 2015 / 11:33 am

      I love it “silent judging” because it’s true it’s difficult not to however much you don’t want to.

  9. October 9, 2015 / 9:48 pm

    Good post! 🙂
    Personally my cure for judgeyness was to simply only have friends that have the same values as I have, and to only join FB groups where said values are the norm. 😀
    This is speaking about parenting etc of course. I’m not so lucky in my other profession. hehe
    ERFmama recently posted…My Thoughts on BBC’s ‘Watchdog’ episode | Aired 8/10-15My Profile

    • October 12, 2015 / 11:32 am

      That would help 🙂 the problem is the nosy noisy people in coffee shops!

    • October 12, 2015 / 11:32 am

      It drives me bananas. Less so for myself but moreso on those who haven’t got the rhino skin I seem to have developed. Who gives anyone the right to judge anyone else??

  10. October 10, 2015 / 1:44 am

    “I no longer care if you think I should try to night wean the baby so he sleeps longer. They’re my boobs. It’s me getting up. Why is it your problem?”

    Love it! I’m going to use this line from now on 🙂
    Min recently posted…BALL!My Profile

    • October 12, 2015 / 11:31 am

      Thanks Min – well it’s true, they are our boobs, why people care so much when it doesn’t affect them is beyond me!!

    • October 15, 2015 / 7:54 am

      Haha a McJudgey Wedgy love it!

  11. December 13, 2015 / 12:47 am

    Loved reading this! I’ll be sharing it on the public Mommitment page as well tomorrow because I think a lot of our readers will be able to relate & love it as much as I do! Nobody likes a Judgey McJudgey pants 😉

  12. May 30, 2016 / 10:31 pm

    I echo your sentiments completely!!! Beautifully written post!!! Love this!!!

  13. July 20, 2016 / 10:27 pm

    I tell those kinds of mum to eff the hell off! I would show those mums the mahoosive order of baby jars/ pouches/ fruit pots I have just ordered from Tesco. Erin likes them, they’re easy for when we’re out and about. I don’t care that I haven’t made it. Take those Judgy McJudgey pants elsewhere!

    Love this post!
    Lyndsey O’Halloran recently posted…It was all going so wellMy Profile

    • July 21, 2016 / 8:48 am

      Thanks lovely! Ooh pouches, must buy some more myself!x

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