This week the Baby has started walking. Those first few wobbly steps with his arms in the air. Looking round at all of us to start clapping as he wobbles from couch to table and back again. We comply, of course we comply. The Big One often leading the applause, the Big One wanting to take his hands and help him walk in his own style.
Walking.
A step out of babyhood and into toddlerhood.
A chunky rolled thigh wobble into childhood. My last baby, heading away from babyhood. Those milestones that are to be celebrated, applauded and photographed down to the last tiny detail are my lasts. His firsts. My lasts.
Strapping that tiny baby into the car seat, ready to begin his first car ride, his journey to his first home, leaving the hospital for the first time and ready to enter the big bad world with all it entails. Not really realizing at the time that the husband really meant it when he said no more babies, that he couldn’t go through another high risk pregnancy, another dramatic death defying birth, that this would be the last time I carried a newborn babe to start our journey together. That the first time I strapped him in the car to bring him home would be the last time I’d be taking a newborn home from the hospital. His first baby milestone. His firsts are MY lasts.
Starting our breastfeeding journey again, milky sleepy cuddles. Rooting for reassurances. Safely nestled in the crook of my arm growing, slowly but surely day by day. An ounce here an ounce there until suddenly the tiny baby that sat in the crook of my arm is no longer the little newborn he once was. Breastfeeds are no longer minute after minute, hour after hour. But they are still there, the time that is just me and him. This time, knowing that his firsts are my lasts, and that his last breastfeed will be the end of my breastfeeding journey forever, we are still going. We have gone longer than I ever did with the Big One, in part because it’s been easier and in part because I know that once it’s gone. It’s gone forever. The very last breastfeed.
Settling into our lives together, establishing his position as a little brother. Working on our family dynamic, working out our routines as a family of four. Milestones coming, milestones going. His firsts are MY lasts.
Windy smiles, turning into gummy smiles, to big toothy grins. Tiny baby giggles turning into full belly laughs. His little face breaking into a heart melting smile for me, for Daddy, for his brother.
Learning to roll, to get around, rolling and rolling across the room, graduating to commando crawling. That adorable, lizard like shuffle across the floor. Legs and arms working with the belly sliding across the floor. I cannot even begin to tell you the number of tshirts and vests that were ruined from sliding across the floor. Then suddenly, the lizard sliding stopped, hands and knees were found and he was off “proper” crawling. My last little lizard crawler growing up. Reaching another baby milestone. His firsts are MY lasts.
First foods, first tastes. Baby led weaning with tastes of pear, rapidly graduating to tastes of chocolate and other first child forbidden substances. From looking bemused to eagerly grabbing. From being none plussed to those little chubby legs working their way towards you when you enter a room with food. Little mouth opening and closing like a bird. First tastes, first foods. His firsts are MY lasts.
And I know I have many more of his firsts to come, first time he sleeps through the night (yep, don’t worry you are not alone nearly 14 months in and I’m not able to throw that milestone around yet), first real words, first day at nursery, first time in the snow, first haircut, first real tantrum, first “I love you”, along with the firsts that we’re yet to experience with the Big One, the first day at school, the first bike ride, the first time he writes his own name, the first card I get which has been written by him. All those lovely firsts to look forward too.
All those lovely firsts with the excitement of watching my Baby become his own person, the look of pride on his face as we all clap him excitedly. The flushed look of joy when his determination pays off and he can do it. Yet all those firsts being bittersweet because while they are firsts they are lasts. They are my lasts, to commit to memory. To remember a time when his chubby hand reached up to touch my face as I feed him slowly to sleep. To remember the look of shock on his face as he took 2 steps and tumbled into my arms.
There will be lasts, and until they come I am holding onto each precious moment. I am photographing, I am blogging, I am remembering each moment. Each first. Each middle. And each end.
Each milestone to be celebrated. Each milestone to be commemorated. Each milestone, his first, my last. Each milestone to be marvelled at, wondered at and the moment drank in to relive time and again.
My last baby. His firsts are MY lasts.
Oh Baby Boy I’m loving you reaching these milestones. I’m loving watch you develop. But please – slow down a little, your firsts are MY lasts and sometimes I’m just not ready for that.
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Ah bless him. I know what you mean, it’s sad to think there will never be a baby in the house again. But I’m really enjoying the milestones as they tick by, each one seems to make life just a little bit easier.
Nat.x
Aw breaking my heart! I know this time round I won’t be as eager to see those milestones hit though I don’t know if this will be my last or not (good in a way I suppose). I’m going to stop wishing for time to speed up to meet my baby and enjoy this last bit of being pregnant I think! #twinklytuesday
Well done baby boy! I remember thinking this as my youngest ticked off the milestones, I just kept thinking that’s the last time for me. Some I was happy to tick off and others made me sad. Sleeping through the night probably got the biggest tick, at 16 months old, I ready to sleep!!!! X #twinklytuesday
A lbitter-sweet post that brought a tear to my eye. Cherish every moment. #twinklytuesday
Im going through this with my youngest son now. He is our last baby and every milestone is bittersweet. Im so excited every time he learns something new and watching his personality continue to grow. But i sometimes miss when he was a little baby.
Ah, that’s both lovely and sad. Enjoy each moment for what it is
A lovely post… *eyes pricking*….Damnit, I’ve become so emotional since becoming a mother.
We’ve just had our second and last baby and I am amazed how much faster it’s gone by second time around. Probably because we’re dealing with his older brother and don’t have time to think! Having said that we are both so exhausted by a baby with reflux who wouldn’t breastfeed due to tongue tie there is an element of wanting to get to an easier stage. We’ve both said it’s awful to wish away the time when he is our last baby but when there’s little quality time with him anyway (due to toddler trying to attack the baby whenever he is in the room) it’s hard not to. Lots of mixed feelings!
Such a bittersweet post, it’s astonishing how fast life passes us by and how quickly the little ones seem to grow up. Even though some of these milestones are your last, there are still plenty to look forward too 🙂 #sharewithme
Ohh :'( this is so sweet. I am pregnant with number two at the moment and I think this is it for us. I keep thinking ‘enjoy every moment because this is it!’ I have to remind myself that there is so much to look forward to in life. But the baby stage is so special and it’s over so quickly x #bestandworst
Such a lovely but sad post. My last baby is 2 now anD I totally get this post. In a way I’m glad I didn’t known back then that she would definately be my last because her firsts would have been bittersweet for me too.
#twinklytuesday
I’ve only got the one, and this is something I think about often. It makes me so much more aware of how important it is to pay attention and cherish every moment. Great post.
Oh god this made me well up. I feel I am in the same boat, part of me feels I would love another but hubby if really not so keen and has said no……I keep hoping! Beautiful post and thanks for linking up #bestandworst slow down time!!
Awww this is a very moving piece. #bestandworst
Oh gosh Laura – I really relate to this. Firsts are so exciting but so heartbreaking at the same time when you know it is the last time. Thanks so much for linking up to #sharewithme and hope you’ll join in again xx
Wow the words just… so bittersweet! This is a lovely read and so emotional. Goodluck with the competition. #sharewithme
I completely understand what you mean. I feel the same way with my youngest, you’re happy to see them grow while sad to see those milestones go past. xx