My baby started school and I didn’t cry

My baby started school and I didn’t cry

Yesterday my baby started school.  And I didn’t cry.

I have seen so many Facebook posts about how upsetting it’s been, how tears have been shed, how it’s so difficult.

Yet I didn’t cry.

My baby started school, and I didn’t cry.

Yes, it’s emotional that my baby is big enough to trot off to school in his big boy uniform and look adorably cute.  I mean, totally adorable.

first day of school and i didn't cry

But I didn’t cry.

I was busy trying to peel him off my leg whilst simultaneously trying to stop the baby trying to dive out of my arms to go and play with all of the toys out.

Trying to gently usher him away before slipping out the door with shouts of see you at lunchtime.

Multitasking at its finest.

But still, I didn’t cry.

It’s not because I am relishing the freedom that those precious hours of school give me, to spend with the baby, to have coffee.  I am.  But that’s not why I didn’t cry.

It’s not because I know it’s going to be an amazing experience for him, learning with his peers, being exposed to new cultures, messy play that I don’t have to clean up.  I know that.  I’m excited for that.  But that’s not why I didn’t cry.

It’s not because I knew he would be fine, that his excited babble over the summer, in the car on the drive to school, meant that he was in fact excited alongside being nervous.  He was fine.  He was excited.  But that’s not why I didn’t cry.

It’s not because I knew it would be better for him if I didn’t cry.  That I subscribe to the tell them I’m going, give them a squeeze and go kind of mentality.  I do.  But that’s not why I didn’t cry.

I didn’t cry because all of a sudden I didn’t get chance to cry.  The moment that I have played in my mind, the prolonged goodbye, the wistful glance back over my shoulder, the stifled sobs.  The prolonged hand holding.  The movie scene I have played over and over just didn’t happen.

There was no trembling lip and silence all around.  There was noise, chaos and toys.  There was excitement and nervousness.  There was a baby trying to dive out of my arms to join his big brother. It was just that, a moment.  Then it was gone.

One minute I was dropping him off, the next moment he was dropped off.

In the blink of an eye.

Done.

No tears.

Instead I went and washed my pants.  Had a coffee.  The Baby had a sleep.  I pondered for a moment why I didn’t cry and in the end just put it down to one of those things.

Then I picked him up.  My biggest boy.

His smart shirt untucked and reaching his knees, the sparkle in his eyes and the running leap he did to squeeze me in the worlds biggest cuddle.  His excited babble telling me about his day, the painting, the songs, the animals,the story about Mr Grumpy, Mummy, Mummy, Mummy have you seen my star?!

And at that point I had a tear.  At that point I cried.

It doesn’t matter that I didn’t cry from saying goodbye to my little boy as he starts his school journey.

It’s not about the starting school journey, the heading on his own, it was about realising that his dreams start here and he can be anything he wants to be.  I’ve not lost my baby to big school, I’ve realised that this wonderful little boy can be anything he wants to be.  And he will.

And while he’s at school?  Well then, I’ll take that chance to drink hot coffee as he embarks on his path through life…

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7 Comments

  1. September 9, 2016 / 7:38 am

    I think I expected something similar when Ella started school but after 4 years at nursery she wasn’t fazed. And when she did come home she conveniently couldn’t remember what she’d done all day! Hope the little chap continues to enjoy school and make friends. #effitfriday
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  2. September 9, 2016 / 8:19 am

    He looks so cute. My big one has just started year 2. First day he was really excited. Second day he spent an hour refusing to get dressed and crying and screaming about not wanting to go to school. I then had to drag him kicking and screaming all the way there (not easy whilst pushing a buggy too), the teacher then had to peel him off me still screaming. She closed the door and I cried. I cried bug heaving embarrassing sobs in front of all the other mums. Thankfully they had hugs and tissues. I spent the whole day worrying and feeling awful. At the end of the day he comes out all smiles declaring it ‘the best day ever’. Does this ever get any easier?! #effitfriday

  3. September 9, 2016 / 1:57 pm

    Aw, so tough! I don’t know how I will do it in two years. Our little babies! Well done on holding off on the tears for as long as possible! #effitfriday

  4. September 9, 2016 / 2:55 pm

    Love that post! Just shared it on StumbleUpon. You are a brave mama and resisted so long. I am not sure I would have done the same, to be honest! Your little man is a cutie and it looks like he had a fab day. All done now. Well done for being so strong and at the end, you were so allowed to let it go! #effitfriday

  5. September 10, 2016 / 9:35 am

    I didn’t cry nor do I feel “oh my lose time withhim etc”
    I am happy he is exciting and enjoying it. He loved being independent and learning. Surely I should be happy?!
    I don’t know maybe I am odd parent or have autism but never felt sad. The only thing I worry about is bullying or struggle with communication due to speech delay. But let’s face it we are growing them to be independent because one day we won’t be there for them and they have defend for then selves X #effitfriday

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