When your children make you tear your hair out

I am nearly at the end of my solo parenting week.  While my husband has had views of ancient temples, beautiful sunsets and $0.50 beer.

I’ve had sleepless nights, bed sneaking 4 year olds, a smashed up phone and McDonalds for dinner because it was just one of those days.

Don’t get me wrong, the boys on the whole have been pretty good.  They’ve just been normal children who have those moments every so often.  Like every other hour.  The difference this week is that instead of having my husband to sound off too (read: complain how they are driving me crazy too) and drink wine with I’ve had Jane the Virgin on Netflix and a box of red keeping me company instead.

And the red has helped immensely.

It’s helped when I realised it was World Book Day on Thursday and I needed to make a costume.  It helped after I smashed my phone on the floor, my one contact to said husband with FaceTime, and spent the afternoon running round Doha to fix it (and unlike Paige who’s son threw a 3 day old iPhone into a glass of water, this was all my fault).  It didn’t really help after a one glass too many was consumed at book club and the next morning they woke at 4:30am.

It’s helped when I was at my wits end and pulling my hair out as tantrum after tantrum began at bath time.  I’m not sure whoever said bath time was a calming time of day, in our house it’s riotous.  And speaking of pulling your hair out, also involves actual hair pulling from the little one who is going through that stage of yanking his brothers hair as hard as he can.

So I did what any parent on the coalface does, stood there with my thinning hair surrounded by clumps pulled out on the floor and took to Facebook for tales of solidarity in the woes that is parenting.

Those parenting moments that make you tear your hair out

You’d think having a makeover would be some wonderful me time?  Relaxing, pampering, wonderful.  This wasn’t quite the case for Amy…

My darling daughter decided that too much of the attention was on her new baby sister so whilst I was feeding took herself into my bedroom! She did her makeup and painted her toe nails/foot/carpet 😭then clearly gave the carpet a makeover too! 

Sometimes you think all is safe, that you’re toddler is contained and you can just finish off seeing to your poor neglected older child.  You think wrong as Gemma found out…

Last night, I was helping my older two get ready for bed and the toddler was (supposedly) safe watching the iPad on my bed. Upon returning to him 2 minutes later, he has in fact ignored the iPad and gone in search of chaos instead. He’d found a perfume sampler (you know, one of the small atomiser things) and had decided it was a good idea to spray half the contents of it into his mouth.

After googling if it’s dangerous, and making him drink 2 cups of water and another of milk, I put him to bed with the only side effects being breath that smelt of a rather nice ladies perfume.
He also said it was yummy (weirdo) but will he eat my cooking?! Will he bo**ocks.

It seems that helping round the house can lead to catastrophe if you’re Sophie.

I left my youngest playing with the washing basket. Next thing I know she’d turned the dirty washing into a slide down the stairs and before I could grab her she went head first down … somehow she was alright I think I was more scared.

You think you can rely on kids to keep secrets, that you’ll be able to read the end of a book without a spoiler I mean they aren’t at the stage where they read faster than you yet right?  They do watch films though.  Poor Beth…

Probably when my son told me who died in Harry Potter when I was reading the books and hadn’t seen the film. I was fuming!

When things go wrong, they go wrong quickly and always first thing it seems.  Emily had a cracker of a morning all before 9am

My darling 18 month old ripped a key off of my Mac, emptied the contents of the craft box, threw his sisters cup of water all over the floor, and then did a HUGE poop just as we had to leave… this was all before 9am this morning. And breathe…

There are things that children do that drive you crazy, then there are children with chicken pox and enforced captivity.  Claire’s only just holding onto her hair…

Three weeks of captivity as first Big got the Chickenpox, then Little. We are going stir crazy and I have lost my shit several times. I know it’s a great privilege to be needed, but right now I need a small break from being needed quite so much. Screw you itchy Chickenpox and your contagiousness. #exhausted

Then there was the time that the keys got hidden, longest hours of Becci’s life…

Having to beg and plead with a 2 year old where they had hidden my keys. All I got was “I dont know or I’ll find them” and he would run in with a coat hanger or some other random object. Hours I spent looking! That was a true FML moment.

But at least she was inside when the keys got lost, unlike Nicola…

When my eldest was 3 she slammed the back door on me while I was pegging the washing out! It was a self locking door, no keys or mobile in me at the time, mother in law was out so had to call the hubby to come home 🙊 (thankfully my neighbour was in and I knew his work number by heart) all the while she’s telling me to climb through a closed kitchen window! Longest 10 minutes if my life!!!!!

It seems you can’t take children anywhere – lucky for Lisa while she was mortified the florist took it all in her stride, that’s customer service.

At a wedding florist supplier’s house yesterday, which just so happened to be a huge beautiful farmhouse filled with lots of expensive things. I very nearly had a heart attack. She even served tea in cups and saucers (for me! Seriously) and Jack decided to lick the sugar directly from the sugar bowl. FML, couldn’t wait to get out of there. She was lovely though and VERY patient

Sick pets cost a fortune.  Sick pets with children, well then the bills just add up as Katie found out (hooray that the hamster was OK)

When my oldest was 4 his hamster got sick. She was spinning around in circles with her head tilted. We didnt have much money but I took her to the vet (obviously) and paid our last £50 for examination and medication which I think is extortionate for a 3 syringes of medication. That evening he got one of them and squirted it everywhere. I was furious. Luckily she got better with just the two and lived another 18 months

When they don’t want to walk, they don’t want to walk – and that’s normally when you don’t have any hands left to carry as Naomi discovered.

We had a lovely day out with my sister-in-law and her family, until the moment my daughter decided she had lost the use of her legs and couldn’t walk any more.
She threw the most epic tantrum, complete with stomping feet, screams and throwing her arms around in the air.
I was already wearing my youngest and my hubby was carrying the changing bag and other rubbish us parents seem to feel the need to carry around with us.
She did walk eventually… after a good dose of bribery!

Even being at nursery doesn’t keep your hair safe, poor Rebecca with one soggy toddler…

I went to pick up my little girl on Monday from nursery. I walked in and couldn’t see her anywhere, calmly asked where is my toddler? To be told that she decided to sit in their water tray outside because she wanted to help wash the outdoor toys. She was soaked. She then went on to tell everyone for the rest of the day that she had a bath at nursery. I stood there with my head in my hands thinking oh my goodness, how the heck am I going to explain this to my husband.

Seems it doesn’t stop as they get older – ground opening shame for Tracey…

Tonight, when my 8 year old son informed me in the car that he “knows what sex is”. No idea why he said it there and then because seconds earlier we were talking about Pokemon Go!

How long until bedtime again?!  What an afternoon for Lauren.

My 7yo had his friend round earlier, a regular weekly thing as his mum picks him up after work. I had told them they had to include his 5yo sister if they were playing Tower Fall (a computer game). She really wanted to be the blue player, and he and his friend repeatedly refused to let her – telling her that ‘it doesn’t matter what colour you are’. So I said if it doesn’t matter, just let her be blue, please! They begrudgingly handed over the controller, then the next game, and the next, did the exact same thing because they realised it wound her up. I turned off the TV and tried to sort out the howling, and whilst I did that the 2yo snuck into the fridge, took an entire six pack of yoghurts, and proceeded to open and ‘eat’ them all – messily, and all around the house. I was very glad when it was bedtime!

Some things there are just no words for, looks like Maria has a budding artist on her hands.

In the meantime I’m just off to google hair transplant costs as I fear for my crowning mane of glory, it’s already decimated from postpartum hair loss!