The Baby Vommed On Me and Other Text Messages to my Husband

I may have gushed on a few times about how wonderful my husband is, supporting me through the newborn phase, being my biggest fan. All that palaver. What I’ve failed to mention is how lucky HE is to have me.

Oh so lucky.

And to emphasis this fact I thought I’d share just a sample of the text messages to my husband that he gets to enjoy from me. Who wouldn’t want a wife that sends you these in the middle of the day?

The baby vommed on me

Not entirely sure what he was going to do with this information at 10am??

Is it too early to resort to Calpol?

The baby is teething. It’s 7:48am and the Toddler is climbing the walls already with the baby screaming the place down because of those pesky teeth coming through. The husband has only been gone for approximately 28 minutes. It’s one of those days.  Is it too early for Calpol?!

I changed the bed!

And yes mass appreciation is required.  Changing the bed is a HATED task yet everybody loves clean bedding.  I’ve yet to meet anyone who likes making the bed!

He doesn’t often reply to these……

The wine is in the fridge

Self explanatory. When you’re having one of those days.


I need a blankie

When the Baby fell asleep on the bed and I couldn’t reach the blanket. So you resort to texting the husband. Who is generally downstairs. To make him walk up the stairs to cover us up, with the blanket that is by my feet, because you know, I was cold!  And moving WAKES THE BEAST!

Wish me luck with the metanium

Have you ever tried to put nappy rash cream on a strong, wilful, nearly 3 year old??  It is not pretty…


This message was swiftly followed by….

There’s metanium on the curtains

A slight wrestling match, the toddler won the battle I’ll win the war.  The nappy rash won’t defeat me and I’m sure the luminous yellow stain will come out one day….

How long until you come home?

And I can pass childcare over to you…..


They’re driving me **crackers

Replace crackers with an expletive of your choice and you might be more accurate.

You know the days you don’t get anything done and are still sat in your pyjamas at 2pm because every time you go for a shower the baby cries. Or the toddler wants something. Then the baby needs to go to sleep. Then the toddler wakes him after a 30 second power nap that will see him through.

Leaving the house is overrated.

Guess the picture

We’ve reached the drawing stage and requests for actual items to be drawn.

Sometimes it’s a “guess what this is” kind of message:


Sometimes it’s a bragging, check out my drawing skills message:


Attempting to introduce the potty……


It’s not going well.  We’ll get there I’m sure.

How has your texting changed since children?

If you liked this post why not follow Life with Baby Kicks over at Facebook for more giggles and to be brutally honest, a lot of photo spam of the boys.


div align=”center”>Friday Frolics

You Baby Me Mummy


  1. September 14, 2015 / 9:46 pm

    We barely exchange a single message in the day. He’d be baffled if he got texts from me, sadly! On another note, what do you MEAN days when you don’t get anything done? You’re a machine…you just go go go (even when you’re meant to be a blogging break like erm right now). I’m going to steal your phone and look for the message that says “I’ve got nothing done apart from 3 new blog posts”… ha ha. Fab post.

    Yous sincerely

    Your stalker.

    • Laura
      September 18, 2015 / 12:38 am

      Scheduled scheduled scheduled! And I don’t tell him about my blog posts because he then asks me why I haven’t bothered taking anything out of the freezer for dinner and it’s takeaway again!!!

      We are big big texters. Always have been. Or emailers when we both worked – random emails with “what do you fancy for tea” the strange bit? We worked in the SAME office on the SAME floor about 5 desks apart….. he sat by the ladies so every time I went I saw him! X

  2. September 22, 2015 / 2:04 pm

    Hahaha. I smiled all through these. And then checked my blog to make sure that I didn’t actually write this. He and I are big text-ers too and he receives a running commentary throughout the day.
    Generally about the wine and the Calpol.
    Fab piece.

    • Laura
      September 23, 2015 / 9:07 am

      Haha I’m glad I’m not alone! X

  3. September 22, 2015 / 3:48 pm

    Haha! I don’t really text him during day unless I specifically need to ask him something. Though I did text other the other day because, following his insistence that – though he admits all proper swear words toddler hears are from him – her habit of saying ‘dammit’ has been picked up only from me, she said, ‘Dammit!’ I said, ‘Can you not say that, please?’ & she replied, ‘Daddy says dammit. Daddy says dammit all the time!’ So I text him that. #twinklytuesday

    • Laura
      September 23, 2015 / 9:08 am

      Love that! And if the toddler says so then it must be true! X

  4. September 22, 2015 / 3:51 pm

    This is brilliant and so funny – because I can totally relate! On Monday morning at 5am I got a pitch black video message from my husband (away on a golf overnighter) of his room mate snoring. It said “don’t worry I’ve had a crap night’s sleep too because….this:”

    And they say romance is dead?! #twinklytuesday

    • Laura
      September 23, 2015 / 9:08 am

      Haha at least he acknowledges you’ve had a rubbish night?? What is it with husbands and golf??

  5. Kelsie
    September 22, 2015 / 5:42 pm

    Ha! I love all the messages. Too funny!

    • Laura
      September 23, 2015 / 9:08 am

      Thanks Kelsie!

  6. September 22, 2015 / 11:08 pm

    This made me laugh a lot and made me check my messages. they included – “we are at the park to make sure they are tired. I am tired, they are not.” and “if you come home without cider I might put your head in the oven” My husband rocks out, maybe I need to work on my manners! Great post! #twinklytuesday

    • Laura
      September 23, 2015 / 9:10 am

      I am tired they are not – yep that happens here! And I LOVE the threat you gave your husband!

  7. September 23, 2015 / 9:48 am

    So funny, the amount of times I text Mr J from the next room when A was just born but I did have a tiny human stuck to my book for 12 hours a day! #bestworst

  8. September 23, 2015 / 9:55 am

    My husband gets similar texts, but mine are about the cat and the dog! #bestandworst

  9. September 23, 2015 / 12:04 pm

    I’m impressed with your artistic skills. I totally knew it was a cat.
    Yes, we’re more about the facebook messages than texts but the content is similar. The other day I was treated to a blow by blow account of a pretty horrendous episode of constipation.
    Thanks so much for linking up to #bestandworst x

    • Laura
      September 24, 2015 / 4:23 pm

      I’m glad someone else realised it was a cat!! Haha it’s just nice to involve everyone in poo episodes we wouldn’t want anyone to feel left out! X

  10. September 23, 2015 / 4:21 pm

    Lol!A few expletives get bandied back and fore around here too!It’s funny reading them back to yourself isn’t it!! #bestandworst

    • Laura
      September 24, 2015 / 4:29 pm

      I love reading them back! I had fits of the giggles taking screen shots for the post! X

  11. September 23, 2015 / 4:44 pm

    Brilliant read. Very similar to the text threads in our house, although sometimes he doesn’t reply straight away as he’s messing about with some work nonsense? How very rude?? Great post – made me giggle.

    Ps. It’s totally a cat!! Very talented.


    • Laura
      September 24, 2015 / 4:29 pm

      Haha I am so glad you all realise it’s a cat!

      I hate that when he doesn’t reply. And the BLUE ticks have appeared. What does he mean it’s more important to handle a work call then answer my text about baby poo?? X

  12. September 23, 2015 / 5:09 pm

    Very funny post! Our texts are usually of the “where did you put the …” type as he’s often moving things on me (though he claims not). Visiting from #bestandworst

    • Laura
      September 24, 2015 / 4:30 pm

      I have to ring to do the “where did you put… ” last time was my car keys…. turned out he took both sets to work with him 30 minutes away!

  13. September 23, 2015 / 8:55 pm

    These are hilarious and much like mine and hubby’s text swaps lol #bestandworst xx

    • Laura
      September 24, 2015 / 4:32 pm

      Glad it’s not just us!

  14. September 24, 2015 / 9:44 pm

    Yep. All of these!! Plus a few picture messages too, just for effect. Namely poo. Usually with the message — deserve a medal (or at least an ENORMOUS gin) for for dealing with this!! 😉 Thanks for linking up to #TwinklyTuesday — much appreciated x

    • Laura
      September 25, 2015 / 8:39 pm

      Haha I might start sending poo pictures! X

    • Laura
      September 25, 2015 / 8:37 pm

      Haha! Whoop! X

  15. September 25, 2015 / 3:43 pm

    Love this. That metanium stuff is awful! One of the last text messages I sent my husband was along the lines of “the little one just ate a spider”. Completely unfazed my husband replied “Did it wriggle and jiggle and tickle inside?”
    Thanks for linking up to #fridayfrolics
    P.S Great Dusty picture x

    • Laura
      September 25, 2015 / 8:30 pm

      It’s vile isn’t it? And I can confirm it stains!

      Best response to a text ever goes to Mr Life Love and Dirty Dishes!!

    • Laura
      September 25, 2015 / 8:31 pm

      P.S. thank you I was proud of Dusty so he had to get a mention! X

  16. September 25, 2015 / 10:14 pm

    Haha I do similar things. I am unsure what G can do from the other side of the country often but I do like to share these things with him. Great post #bestandworst xx

    • Laura
      September 26, 2015 / 7:49 pm

      It always makes me feel better! Today’s gem included the line “I’ve somehow got vomit in my bum crack” classy lady x

  17. September 25, 2015 / 11:01 pm

    Oh this made me laugh so much! This is exactly the kind of communication I have with my hubby too! I sometimes wonder what random people would think if they saw our messages. Today I texted him to say middle child was having all kinds of tantrums and had thrown all the towels down the stairs, and baby had had an explosive nappy! I think I need to start doing some more exciting things away from my children so I actually have something exciting to say! #fridayfrolics

    • Laura
      September 26, 2015 / 7:50 pm

      You’ve just hit the nail on the head it’s because I’m only with the kids I have these gems to share, whereas when I go out I get drunk off one glass of wine and lose my phone so no textual communication! X

  18. September 26, 2015 / 11:25 am

    Ha! I almost did a similar post not long ago but didn’t as I thought my husband would be humiliated. Because it’s HIM that’s always sending the texts. When I have Oliver I rarely text him.
    The latest text he sent me when I was at work all day and he had Oliver went like this
    Him: Who taught Oliver to wee in the garden?
    Me: I don’t know, he just likes doing it.

    • Laura
      September 26, 2015 / 7:51 pm

      That is hilarious! And fairly similar to what my husband sends when he has the boys on his own!

  19. September 26, 2015 / 10:50 pm

    Great post 🙂

    Hi my Darling, how’s your day? Just thought Id say hi ..Oh and COME HOME AND DEAL WITH YOU CHILDREN OR IM DIVORCING YOU Haha haha *Insert hysterical stressed emoticon*
    Lots of love
    Lydia xxx

    • September 26, 2015 / 11:05 pm

      Forgot the hashtag #fridayfrolics

    • Laura
      September 30, 2015 / 10:51 pm

      Haha – i send “I’m selling them. I mean it” x

  20. December 18, 2015 / 10:58 am

    Brilliant! We used to be so loving now it’s:
    Bring the iPod please
    You were really sweaty last night,
    The cook plate is here
    What happened to us???

  21. December 18, 2015 / 11:53 am

    This really made me chuckle. I am a single mummy and don’t have a partner to text this stuff to and seem to be an almost accidental loner at the moment. But I greatly enjoyed this! #thelist

  22. December 18, 2015 / 6:09 pm

    I would never get a response if I sent a message – I’ve stopped bothering as it uses up a hand that I need for something else #TheList

  23. December 18, 2015 / 7:49 pm

    “The Wine is in the fridge” is a regular of ours :p haha these are great, thanks for sharing #TheList

  24. December 18, 2015 / 8:15 pm

    Haha, brilliant! At least he knows what to expect when he gets home 🙂 #TheList

  25. December 19, 2015 / 6:58 pm

    Ha, love these!! I’m collating a list of ridiculous sentences I never thought I’d say for a future post which is not dissimilar!! I came across your post via #TheList 🙂

  26. January 1, 2016 / 4:35 am

    This is so funny and I am pretty sure I’ve said a lot of these. I think my funniest one ever was when I asked my husband if he wanted a prostitute for dinner damn you autocorrect! I actually meant risotto 😉 You are my featured post on #thelist this week. Thanks for linking up x

    • Laura
      January 3, 2016 / 3:04 pm

      Oh thanks Amy! I nearly wet myself laughing at prostitute for dinner! X

  27. May 20, 2016 / 11:45 am

    Haha I can only imagine how our texting habits will change once baby is here! I suspect I will be similar to you as I’ll just want him to know stuff, even if he can’t do anything about it! xx

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