I knew that becoming a mum would change my life. Having small people dependent on you kind of does that.
What I wasn’t prepared for was quite how disgusting I’d become as a mum.
I thought I had standards, I was wrong.
I lick the Calpol syringe to “catch the drips”
But mainly because it’s because I like the taste.
I (used to) sleep in a bed with unidentifiable stains in it
Back when the small one was a baby there were many, MANY, unidentifiable bodily fluids across our bed. Be them for desperate attempts to get more sleep and bed sharing.
Milk stains from nights spent breastfeeding. Spit up. The occasional streak of explosive nappy.
Yet I was so tired at night I crawled between those sheets and closed my eyes for the briefest of respites before my sleep hating baby required my services once again.
I pick bogey encrusted noses
I spot clean the house
With baby wipes mainly. Just one of the many, many uses for these miracle wipes.
I handle (and eat) half chewed food
A half eaten mushed banana gets handed to me. I eat it.
Mangled crackers make their way to my bag? Somehow ends up in my mouth.
Spat out grapes? Straight to me.
Pre-licked chocolate biscuits? All mine.
I inspect poo
I speak a lot of poo, it’s one of the lessons learnt in early motherhood, poo bonds us all.
Weaning babies? A quick inspection of the nappy contents and you can tell what has and hasn’t made it from the highchair into your child.
And now? Well now I get called upon to inspect the contents of the toilet. And applaud accordingly.
I leave the house with unidentified objects down my back and in my hair
Baby sick, baby poop, mushed banana, peanut butter, paint, chalk, smushed play doh. All examples of what has been smeared across me as I left the house for a public space.
I’m a terminal bum sniffer
Not only of my own children but of other peoples children (provided I know them of course) I often play sniff the culprit.
You know, that whiff of poo across the air and the defeated look of mums as we realise that one of us is on nappy changing duty.
Not content with JUST the bum sniff, I’m the finger hooker
You know just in case that deep inhalation of poo wasn’t enough of an idea that I’ve got to go on poo patrol I hoike the back of the nappy and have a good old peer down.
And if I’m unlucky manage to stick my finger straight into the poo….
What about you? What disgusting habits have you formed since you became a mum?
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