I Will Never Know…. Caesarean Awareness Month 2016

Did you know that April is Caesarean Awareness Month?

Both my boys were born by emergency c-section. Both births were filled with drama for different reasons. Both births lives were at stake, both theirs and mine. For a time they made me less of a woman, less of a mother, until I realised that they don’t make me any less of a mother.

But then, after the dramatics of my emergency c-section with the Baby the husband put his foot down and said no more babies. And with that, any tiny glimmer of hope that I would one day experience the vaginal birth I was desperate for after the terror of the Big One’s birth.

No more babies.

I will never know what it’s like to reach the magical 10cm. The furthest I got is 5.

I will never have that moment of “ooh am I in labour”. Both my births were medically assisted.

I will never know what the “ring of fire is”

I will never know what it is like to push with all my might to bring a baby into the world.

I will never know what natural, non-induced labour will feel like.

I will never know what my body is capable of.

I will never know.

But…

I know the faltering smile of a midwife.

I know the worry trying not to show in their eyes.

I know the fear you feel as your room fills with people.

I know the look that passes between yourself and your husband.

I know the face of a man who is trying to be brave for me whilst crumbling on the inside.

I know the feeling of being hurtled down to theatre.

I know the terror of drugs not taking effect quickly enough.

I know shouting at the doctors to get the Baby out.

I know the tugging and pulling sensation.

I know the icy feeling of fear as the Baby is lifted out.

I know the waiting silence.

I know the seconds feeling like hours.

I know the relief of the cry that rings around the room.

I know the feeling of elation when my husband brought my baby to my head for the first time.

I know the love I felt.

I know the love I feel.

I know, now, that it doesn’t matter about the things I don’t know. They don’t matter anymore.

caesarean awareness month

Our very first photo with Baby Boy

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18 Comments

  1. April 7, 2016 / 12:49 am

    Love this! Will be sharing on my FB page!

    I will never know either. But I do know the love and joy my three kids bring.

    Happy Caesarean awareness month 🙂

  2. April 7, 2016 / 2:35 am

    Such a lovely post. I also never had the births I was hoping for. Both were vaginal births, but very much with medical intervention because I had to be induced and ended up with an epidural. I don’t think many people really get the birth they want, but I agree with you, it doesn’t make you any less of a mother, just one that brings a baby into the world with lots of love right from the first moment when you think you might lose them.
    Nat.x
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  3. April 8, 2016 / 10:41 am

    Amazing post honey – I’ve been through a C Section too and I’l never forget that fear. Thank you for sharing so beautifully xx #effitfriday

  4. April 8, 2016 / 11:24 am

    Such a lovely post. I’m thankful for medicine and doctors that can perform surgery to save mum and baby like this! ❤️ I had two traumatic and dramatic “natural” births and may be opting for a c section next time if we get pregnant. Birth doesn’t always go like the books say but I’m glad you and your boys made it safely!
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  5. April 8, 2016 / 11:53 am

    Beautifully written Laura. Why do we do it to ourselves? My first born happened in theatre with forceps. I was preped for a c-section in case they couldn’t get him out. It was an emergency situation. The only reason I got to ‘push’ with the forceps is because I was 10cm, if not it would have been a c-section straight away. I still felt like I had failed. I think it takes time to come to terms with births that don’t go to plan, and you need to allow yourselves that time. It NEVER makes you any less of a mother though. #effitfriday
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  6. April 8, 2016 / 1:05 pm

    I feel like I know a little more about what it’s like to have a c-section after reading your post. It sounds just as intense as vaginal birth, but it a different way. Thanks for sharing, #effitfriday
    Squirmy Popple recently posted…Things I wish my baby could understandMy Profile

  7. April 8, 2016 / 1:23 pm

    This is an amazing post, Laura – so well written. You have brought tears to my eyes this morning. You didn’t a thing with a vaginal birth. What you went through was far more difficult & you should be proud of the amazing job you did. It’s great that you are sharing your experiences for other mums who might feel the same way. #effitfriday x
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  8. April 8, 2016 / 1:58 pm

    Amazing, amazing post!
    Thank you so much for baring all and sharing with the world what being a c-section mama is! You truly are amazing, and brave, and wonderful. And, look what your body has done. Incredible.

    C-seciton mamas truly are incredible in my book. I cannot imagine the fear, the trauma, the recovery. Things don’t always go to plan-and that’s ok! #effitfriday
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  9. April 8, 2016 / 2:30 pm

    Laura, what a wonderful post.
    It doesn’t matter how your babies enter the world, us mums have done something wonderful that can be utterly terrifying at times. The thought of a c-section petrified me so I can only tell you how brave I think you’ve been.
    Of my 3 boys, 1 birth was ‘good’ (the middle one – it was calm, relaxed, swift) and the other two were emergency medically assisted natural births which was terrifying. I understand the panic, the worry and the fear you speak of – it’s something that stays with you forever.
    Wonderful post.xx
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  10. April 8, 2016 / 5:56 pm

    Love this Laura, powerful words as always and I know exactly how you feel. Thanks you for saying it so well xo #effitfriday
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  11. April 8, 2016 / 11:14 pm

    I feel as though I could have written this. I also brood over the probability that I’ll never experience a vaginal birth, but having a vaginal birth-even one in a bath of lotus petals while a chorus of whalesong erupts from a choir of cetaceans outside-doesn’t make anyone a good mother. It’s what happens afterwards that counts. #effitfriday
    Min recently posted…The Public Badge of Good Motherhood: What’s so great about it anyway?My Profile

  12. April 9, 2016 / 1:41 pm

    This did bring tears to my eyes, Laura. God knows any way a baby comes out of you is almost impossible to put into words and you’ve brought home the fact that, well, who cares? What matters is the baby and you afterwards being safe. Very powerful stuff. #effitfriday

  13. April 11, 2016 / 8:29 pm

    That’s a beautiful post. To call it a rant seems an injustice!

    #effitfriday
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  14. April 5, 2017 / 6:57 am

    Two Csections for me, and quite honestly, I’m happy. I’m elated I never had to scream like that. No tearing flesh. Just a nice, neat incision. I’m from a long line of women who don’t dilate. I would have died in another era on the first try. I’m glad there was another way. I feel no loss. Nothing I’m missing out on. Less trauma for my little ones, too. I’m grateful for that.

    Oh, I tried. 36 hours of labor was long enough, thank you very much! But let’s be practical. I had healthy babies and a bit longer recovery time.

    As someone who has performed C-sections on dogs and cats, I see how easily animals adapt to a change in plans, and when it is all over, they are simply a mama and babies. The rest is just mechanics.

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