Most of the time you will see me advocating attachment parenting techniques. That is because most of the time I am an “attachment parent” I don’t leave my baby to cry. I breastfeed on demand. I try to listen. I say things like “I understand that by not giving you the pear you’ve shrieked for for the past 27 minutes I’m upsetting you but it’s nearly dinner time” (but I’m not giving in now because what the hell else would the last 30 minutes have achieved??)
But right now?
Right now I am writing this as I am once again trying to breastfeed my youngest son to sleep. He is thrasing in my arms and resisting any effort I attempt to give to comfort him. It is 2 minutes to 8pm and this is the third time I’ve been in his room tonight to try to put him back to sleep. Which he so desperately needs.
And it won’t be the last time I’m in here tonight I’m sure.
I love being an attachment parent. I love that my boys know when they need us we will one hundred and ten percent be there. But tonight?
Tonight I’m tired.
Tonight I’m tired that it’s only ME breastfeeding that will put him back to sleep.
Tonight I’m tired of being bitten, however innocently. I am tired if the blisters. Of the teeth marks.
Tonight I’m tired of listening to the evening go on without me. To hearing laughter drift up the stairs. To hearing my husband give up on waiting and go to bed, without me.
Tonight I’m tired of sitting and feeding in the rocking chair, on my own. Feet up. Writing blog posts. Feeding and feeding.
Tonight I am tired of the game of not knowing will you stay asleep when I put you down. Will you give me an hour before I go to bed or shall I just go now? Will I even get chance to walk down the stairs?
Tonight I’m tired of wondering when you’ll wake up and we do this again.
Tonight I’m tired of always being needed.
Tonight I’m tired of always being wanted.
But…. no matter what
I’ll always be there when you need.
I’ll always be there when you want.
Your tears will always be mopped up (when they eventually stop) and I’ll always dry your eyes.
I may be tired.
I may be exhausted.
I’ll always be your mummy.
I’ll always be there. In one way or another.
You can always count on me.
Even when I’m tired.
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