So we did it, we made it through the first year. Me as a baby and you as a mum of two. *round of applause* it felt right to update you now on why I’m not sleeping, because a lot has changed since my last letter. For starters, I’m a big baby now.
Mummy, I know you thought I’d be sleeping by now, I mean I’ve had a year to learn and my big brother did. But the thing is Mummy all babies are different, even when you do everything the same. I’m guessing you’ve worked that out by now.
I know it must be frustrating for you getting up through the night Mummy and I promise I’m not doing it just to wind you up, sometimes I don’t even know why I’m awake but I am.
Sometimes Mummy I’ve just had such a busy day learning new things like how to crawl or how to stand. Or been busy chasing my big brother around. Or doing the daredevil tricks I know you love so much like climbing to the top of the pram before making it fall (sorry about that again) that I’ve just not had time to spend with you all day and I like to make up for it at night. By waking up. And spending time with you, enjoying those sleepy cuddles.
Mummy you are just so comfy you see, even now I’m a big baby of one year old I still fit perfectly in your arms. Resting my cheek against you as I listen to your heartbeat. The sound of you (and the Whisbear) shhing and rocking me to sleep, before you gingerly lower me into the cot holding your breath that I won’t scream, makes me feel safe Mummy. So that sometimes when my body hits the sheets, even when you think I’m asleep, I’m already missing you crying to be soothed again.
Thank you Mummy for the endless nights where you lay me back down after you have thought you struck gold and could sneak off while I slept soundly. Rubbing my back through my sleeping bag, watching my heavy eyes flutter shut. Gently taking your hand away and leaning on the edge of the cot, breath held to see if it worked this time, creeping backwards through the room before reaching the holy grail of the door before I pop back up again. Needing you again. Needing a little help getting to sleep again.
Thank you Mummy for all of the nights. The nights where I’m asleep but all of a sudden I’m standing up and crying with no idea how I got there. The nights where I wake with a jolt and realise you’re not the. The nights where I wake nearly every hour. The nights where I wake only once. The nights where I’m crying and need comfort. The nights where I’m laughing and want to play. The nights I want to cuddle up in bed with you. The nights when you’re so tired you hide under the covers with no energy to stand and send Daddy instead. The nights where neither of us know what we want.
I know you’re still waiting for the night where I sleep through Mummy, it will happen one day I promise. And when it does you’ll sneak into my room at night to see why I’ve not woken. To watch me as I sleep. To tuck me in a little tighter. To touch my hair. To place my teddy where I can see it in case I wake up scared before padding back to your room, snuggling under the blankets with a heart full of love.
I’ll get there Mummy. One day. And when I do you won’t realise at first, but you’ll miss our sleepy cuddles. Our me and you time. It’s bittersweet, me sleeping through means growing up, and with me growing up your last baby days are behind you.
Until then Mummy, thank you for the nights.
Lots of love,
Baby Boy x x
PS. I’m sorry I still don’t sleep, even at 18 months old…
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